You have paid your taxes, now its time for a life audit by KEOUGH

| April 14, 2011 | Comments (0)

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Throughout my twenties I would blow my tax refund on huge bartabs, escorts and a healthy dose of street-pharmascist perscribed medications. It was beautiful, really: A three day bender of top shelf liquior, a hooker that didn’t have scuff-marks from paved roads on her high-heels and the right script to keep the party going. Unfortunately, those “three day benders” were like a vacation from the other 362 days-that centered around cheap booze, back alley blow-jobs and Adderol I bought off the ADD high-school kid that lived up the street from me. Ahh…my twenties: what a fucking train wreck!

I’ll be the first to admitt that the art of growing up isn’t anything that can be tought, its more a   subsidiary of Darwins Theory of Evolution: Over time you see the people in your social circle slowly start to migrate toward a more mature life style. They take on better jobs or get promotions, they start getting married, buying houses and having kids.

You might fear this senario in your twenties, but truth be told, growing a little older dosen’t mean the party ends. The party actually gets better because you can afford to do really cool shit. Here is a list of things that I highly recommend blowing your taxes on this year.

First and foremost: Buy an expensive bottle of liquior. Its nice to have a friend stop by and enjoy something that is normally a little out of your palets’ price range. I always buy a bottle of Jameson Rarest Vintage. It goes for about 250$, but it is smoother than a porn stars balls, and at 92 proof you can get a warm little feeling from a three-fingered pour. You can mix it up from year to year, I just personally love Jamesons.

Kentucky Derby Get-a-Way: Even without the hoopla of the greatest two minutes in sports, Louisville is awesome to party in. The Derby adds a little bit of “Mardi-Gras” flair to the city and in some instances-it’s just as classy! The Derby does a great job of being able to entertain both sexes: The women get all fancied up like its fashion week in Malan, with big hats, big purses and pearls while the guys get to smoke cigars, bet the ponies and talk chalk in the mens room. And it’s a certain that your old lady will want to shed her fancy outfit for a rumble in the hay after a day of Mint Julips and staring at horse cock…trust me!

Throw a House Party: Don’t get me wrong-I still love to put the Ipod on shuffle and get some friendly competion going over a beer-pong table from time to time, but in this instance I am suggesting that you step it up a notch. You can hire lesser known artists/bands to come into your home and play a couple of sets for a pretty reasonable fee. Trust me, its really creepy for the muscians, but times are tough and they need dough just like the next guy. I’ll advise you to be VERY selective in the choosing of the artist/band: with musicans in the room there is always a chance that you will wake up in the morning with human fecies in the litter box and your wife having apolystrey burns on the small of her back from a ecoline van. Regardless, your friend that still wears Chuck Taylors will finally have that

“night of his life” he’s been rambling-on about since he managed that Indie Music store after JUCO.

Take an Exotic Car Tour: Don’t be ashamed that you rock a four-banger to save on gas. Just admitt that when you get your doors blown off on the highway by some douche driving a $100,000 sports car, you pulse a little wood in your Dockers. Hey! I like to let the ponies stretch their legs as much as the next guy, I just can’t afford anything Italian that dosen’t get deliverd by some half-a-fag college kid working for beer money. But websites like give you the chance to drive an assorted amount of dream cars. Only requirements: drive’em like they are stolen and extend your middle finger at tree hugging Prias drivers when ever possible.

Hire a Personal Chef: According to pollsters, my finess and artestry over an open flamed grill is admired by eighty-three percent of males 18-34. However, after you take charcoal and/or propane out of the equasion I am a wounded duck trapped in an apron. Problem solved. will help you find personal chefs in your area that will come into your home and cook dinner for you. So after a long day of creating a viable senario to get Jenny from HR to let you tongue fuck her in the copier room, you can sink your teeth into a five start tuna-steak. Its win win no matter how you look at it.

When you got the cash-the list of ways to entertain yourself is endless. After all: “Surviving the Game” wasn’t a story-line hatched out of imagination. So, if you got the dough to hunt down homeless people…thanks for letting me keep a little spare change in my pocket. Maybe you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum and would like to donate your Tax refund to charitable causes-like feeding the homeless. If this is the case than please don’t come back here and read my columns anymore because I hate all that you stand for as a person…unless of course you are donating to Save the Ta-Tas, because I am sick of fucking flat-chested women.

Be a Hero,


follow keough on twitter: @KeoOfNazareth

Category: Cocktail Hour with KEOUGH, NEWS

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