The Masters is a tradition, Keough is a train wreck, the two together…pull up a chair.

| April 14, 2011 | Comments (0)

Cocktail Hour…from Amen Corner

Recommended drink while reading this article: Green BLAZER Iced Tea

Potency: Safe to drive after three or four without women or children in the car

crushed ice

1/2 shot Jim Beam

1/2 shot SoCo

fill glass with Arizona green tea

Don’t consider yourself a poor judge of character if you assumed that I was ill-knowledged about the short grass by looking at my picture, this sort of thing happens all the time. The truth of the matter is I never have cleaned up well but my apperance has proven to be rather profitable on the golf course. I mean its gotta be pretty embarrasing for the Izod drenched douche bag to peel in the clubhouse because he thought “I could use the five strokes.” Then again its pretty embarrasing that I needed his forty-one dollars as bad as Charlie needed to find that golden ticket in a Wonka Bar. Scoreboard… Life 4  KeoOfNazareth 1 but I still have home field advantage.

With the Masters here the weekend warrior will be anxious to shake the dust off his bag and leave the nagging wife and three curtain crawlers to fend for themselves on the homefront. I was so thankful for this time of year when I was working as a caddy or a bag-boy at the country clubs in Upstate New York. For the amount of money I would make the ass kissing was pretty minimal and to tell you the truth some of the Citiots were actually pretty cool after you learned what cheek they perferred you to caress. I learned quite a few valuable lessons about the game of golf and about people while I was the master of cermonies in country club bag rooms and I would like to share a few of them with you

Don’t lie about your handicap. I am the only 4 handicap that ever shot a legitamate 107. But the night before I was mainlining saki half naked screaming banzi and I woke up next to a Japanese foreign exchange student (gender not included). I don’t know whats worse, the guy who wants to be good at golf so bad that he lies about it or the mushroom bruise that sandbags so he can play in the C Flight of the Club Championship.

Don’t wear a redshirt on Sunday because if I have to hear on more stupid comparison/comment about “Sunday Tiger” come out of a guys mouth that I just saw put two in the drink on the par three fifth I might impale him with the shaft of my strong three wood.

Payne Stewart and the cast from Newsies looked cool in knickers, you…not so much

You can’t cut the corner…no, seriously you can’t cut the corner. Take your par and thank the golf gods you had one this round.

You tip a waiter…you overtip your caddy, the kid that cleans your clubs and the cute high school girl slinging beers out of the back of an EZ-GO. And if you want you can give her the whole thing, nobody’s gonna tell. But if the kid cleaning your clubs finds out he will probably wipe his ass with your head cover. Trust me on this one.

If your wife isn’t at least an 18 handicap she does not need to be in a group teeing off before 9:00 am. If you’re not a 12 handicap you do not need to tee off before 9:00 am. We can work around the fact that your wife is a shitty golfer because her legs look better in shorts than yours do.

Never steal honors on the tee. I’ll take the bid upstate for hacking off your ankles and making you jump up and down untill you are empty for taking my spot on the tee.

Don’t count how many strokes it took you to get down while you are still on the green. The first time I hit into you: I’ll yell fore and apologize, the second time I am deffinately aiming for you.

If you need a second scorecard to keep track of all the bets you and your boys have happening you are doing it wrong. Skins with garbage is all you need, the rest is just something they publish in Golf Digest to give you something to read in the Shitter.

Lets leave the teaching to the Golf Pro and the driving range. The only thing you are allowed to say is “looks like you aren’t keeping your head down.” Place your witty comment about that statement here to make yourself feel cleaver.

That should just about cover my musing from the pulpit this week.  If for some strange reason the silky smooth vocal stylings of Jim “Nancey Pants” Nance dont have you napping during opening round coverage….Keep and eye out for a guy in a flowing robe and sandals sporting a “Dont worry Tiger, You can always teach Drivers – Ed” sign.  Those green jacket wearing old fucks are gonna be so pissed they gave me press credentials.

Be a Hero

Keough

follower keough on twitter: @keoofnazareth

Category: Cocktail Hour with KEOUGH, SPORTS

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